Tuesday, August 17, 2010

BBC: "George Osborne will continue walking around and breathing"


The government is to refocus public spending on areas that will boost the UK's long-term economic success, the chancellor is to say.
As opposed to focussing on areas that will ensure the UK’s long-term economic prospects contain a bag of Haribo Star Mix for every man and woman over the age of eighteen.

Britain can put its economy back on the road to recovery without sacrificing growth or becoming an unfair society, George Osborne will tell City analysts.
Exactly how this is to be achieved in light of the epic Slashathon the ConDems have intiated, which is broadly considered to be sabotaging any chances of growth and ensuring an even more precipitous drop in any index of fairness you’d care to mention than their predecessors achieved, doesn’t seem worthy of consideration.

The future is not about how much the government spends, but what it does with the money, he will say.
“We would also like to observe that graminoids are frequently green in colouration”.

Speaking at Bloomberg's London offices, he will also criticise Labour's legacy
"Its not our fault the economy’s tanking. Labour spent all the money.”

It comes as new figures are expected to show inflation is rising much faster than most people's pay.

Analysts estimate that it will have dropped only slightly from last month's figures, when the consumer price index was 3.2% and the retail price index stood at 5%. Average earnings over the last year have risen by 1.3%.
“I’ve got a multimillion pound inheritance, whereas you’re all fucked”.

In his speech, Mr Osborne will attack Labour's claim to have ended boom and bust, calling it "the greatest failure of economic policy-making for more than 30 years".
“Isn't it funny how I now pretend that I had no role whatsoever in cheering it along or campaigning to push that policy further and faster than Labour ever did."

He will also claim the previous government had not specified where its planned £44bn cuts to tackle the £155bn deficit would come from.
"Neither have we, but don’t let any attempt at balanced coverage get in the way of your pseudo-journalism”.

His speech is set to hint at what the public service landscape could look like after autumn's comprehensive spending review.
“Its all gonna be mindlessly fucking slashed!”

Mr Osborne will tell his audience: "We are shaping the economy of the future by promoting a pro-growth agenda.
“A growth in mindless slashing!”

"We are shaping the big society of the future by decentralising power and empowering people. We are shaping the public services of the future by reforming the public sector so it delivers value for money.

"And we are shaping Britain's future role in the world through our review of defence and security."
“We’re mindlessly slashing the shit out of it all! We’re building upon Lady Thatcher’s epic legacy of slashing to make the UK a slashing Goliath bestriding the global stage!”

The chancellor will also explain that the government intends to "follow a ruthless approach to waste, inefficiency and bureaucracy in government" which could mean "bringing in external expertise", if necessary.
“Labour bought in consultants to help run the country. We’re bringing in Hollywood directors to script a new slasher flick: I Know What You Did Last Parliament.”

He will add: "We will tackle soaring welfare bills. And we will refocus public spending in those areas that will make a difference to our long-term economic success.
At this point The Rt. Hon. Mr Osborne made no further comment. He instead produced a long, sharp knife from inside his jacket and waved it in front of him, making “SHWING! . . . SHWING!” noises.

"It is not about how much the government spends but about what the government actually does with the money."
Mr Osborne now dropped his trousers to reveal some sort of terry-toweling nappy affair stuffed with £50 notes. He then proceeded to squat and seemed to strain for a second before noisily passing wind . . . or something.

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